why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
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Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
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HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
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