foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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