I'm going to jail i love you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
