So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
