My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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