you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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