I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
