She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
