Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Randomize
