remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
