I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
