You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
