We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
