Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
