She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
