alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
