she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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