in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
