apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
