Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
