i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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