apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
