Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
