Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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