Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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