I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize
