dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
