I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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