i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
