Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize