My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
