IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
