When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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