Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
