Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
