it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
