I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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