This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
