i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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