Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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