I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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