So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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