Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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