I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
