wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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