remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
