I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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