Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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