My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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