So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
