You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
