it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
