just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
